The Perfect Seat At The Table

Being in Durant, I have the opportunity to travel all over the place and meet lots of new people. Being an introvert, this has always been a bit out of my comfort zone, but I'm working on it.  You'd also probably never believe that I HATE being up in front of people, especially large crowds.  So while I love music ministry, it is WAY out of my comfort zone being up on a stage and having lots of eyes looking at me.  I have never liked having attention, never.  But....there is a time when you have to get over yourself and use the talents God has given you.  This is why I've pushed through this fear.  Sure, I've always wanted to sing in an acappella group and spread the news of God through music, but it also terrified me thinking about being in front of people.  I still refuse to speak (if I can) at any of our concerts because I get tongue tied and just feel so insecure. So if you ever see a Durant concert, you'll notice that I'm one of the two people who don't speak other than telling my name and what part I sing. Believe it or not, I'm really not nearly as shy as I used to be. I was that kid who always hid behind my mother's leg. I was painfully shy as a child.  Over the years, I've had to overcome that shyness.  And I know, those of you who really know me are thinking, "What? She never shuts up." :)  I don't mind "talking" behind a computer screen and type out what I want to say because I've always felt I was a better communicator through writing than actually talking.  I've also never really been listened to when I try to talk, so being behind a computer screen, I have "the floor" per se and people have no option but to listen.   So, I wrote about this a little on my Facebook page the other day about meeting a man this past weekend who just touched my life.  Do you ever meet people and you just find yourself thinking about them often?  That's been this man with me this week.  I'm going to just be honest here, so here goes. And I bet in my honesty, you can relate and have probably felt just like me before.  Durant and a few people from church went to lunch after services Sunday morning. I think there were around 10 of us.  Well, you know how it is, you try to find that perfect seat at the table.  For me, that's sitting with Durant...in my comfort zone of people I know because sometimes when I don't know people, I have a hard time striking up a conversation.  Well, all the seats filled up quite quickly. I knew about "this man" coming, and here's the honest part.  And when I say this, I am not proud of myself at all, but I just need you all to know that I am not perfect and I mess up daily.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking, "I don't want to sit by this man. It makes me uncomfortable.  He's not like me in the way he was dressed, he didn't smell good, he's single which means he'll "like" me because those are the ones I attract...." on and on these negative thoughts were flooding my head.  It was kind of that good angel, bad angel on your shoulder thing. The bad angel was telling me all of those negative things, and the good angel is smacking me and telling me these are the kinds of folks Jesus associated with. That's when it really struck me...."These are the kinds of folks Jesus associated with."  Who in the world am I to think I am "better" than someone just because they are different than me?  So as I sat down across from this man, I can't remember who started the conversation, but the next thing I knew, this man had me in stitches. He was hilarious.  But as he shared his story with me, I couldn't help but be sad by how he was treated by our brothers and sisters in different churches when he was looking for a church family.  It was that same kind of attitude that I had before I sat near him.  And it really broke my heart.  His story made me sad, but I think what truly made me emotional, and what broke my heart is myself...my selfish thoughts.  How I had had these negative thoughts of him fill my head just minutes before, and how Jesus never had these thoughts about me and my filth. People tell me often that I have such a good, tender heart. Not really.  As much as I appreciate people saying those things to me, I am not as good hearted as I appear.  Are any of us?  We all mess up, we all have these same negative thoughts, we all have our own selfish thoughts of people who are not "like us".  How many times have I driven past the homeless man on the street and ignored him? How many times have I turned people away who are asking me for money because I've been told "They'll probably just use it to buy drugs or alcohol.".  How many times have I mistreated a brother or sister in Christ? Just like this man I sat across from at lunch....he is my brother in Christ, and I didn't want to be near him for a short period of time. He had no idea of my thoughts, but my God knows my thoughts, and I fall to my knees asking forgiveness. And you know something else?? He was on the front row at our concert Sunday night, and he was worshiping our God more than any other person I saw that night. This man has lived on both sides, and he knows the freedom he has in Christ. Wow.  And I made sure that he was the first person I talked to and put my hands on after our show to thank him for his heart.   I know God placed that man in my life for a reason.  He took me out of my comfort zone and insecurity to actually get to know a person....a person just like me. God taught me a lesson to get over myself. My heart was broken in a good way from this incident. This man has been on my mind all week because he taught me something. He has no idea the impact he has left on me, and I'm forever grateful for that. So as I scoped out seat after seat at that lunch table to find the perfect seat, Jesus had already pulled out my chair...the exact spot where He would have sat.

IGBOK

I'm sure you're wondering what on earth the title of my blog means today. Well, bear with me and I'll tell you. :)  I've been working on exercising more lately. I go through spells of walking every day to not walking at all. Well, since my life seems to be "on hold" at the present time, I figure I might as well get back to exercising on a regular basis.  I'm more motivated as well since a married couple bought all of Durant one of these UP Band/Fit Band things that counts your steps and monitors your sleep and calories (if you're into that calorie thing. ha!).  They are pretty cool, but boy what I'd give to have had one of these bands when I was a kid. I would have KILLED my steps every day as much as I was outside. I sure miss those days sometimes.  Well anyway, today is just one of those days when I'm in a funk. We all have these days, it's called life.  To clear my mind, walking and listening to music is always therapeutic for me.  I have anxiety issues, and the only way I can relieve that sometimes is to brisk walk.  It's also a good time for me to talk to God, to let him know that I'm just frustrated and sick of everything. Today was one of those days where I'm just angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world with all that is going on, angry that nothing ever seems to work out for me in my life, angry because I look around and see that everyone else's life just seems to fall into place, angry with job searching, angry with people constantly using me, angry that I'm always the nice, happy, go lucky girl that no one truly knows the loneliness I face day after day...you name it, I'M ANGRY.  Then I start questioning things..."What if I'd not moved to Tennessee?" "What if I'd married that one guy?" "What if I'd taken that job that I turned down years ago?" "What if, what if, what if...."  I can make myself crazy asking "What if...",  and I try not to do that often.  But on the downer days, Satan likes to throw that in my face, along with telling me I'm a loser, telling me that nothing ever works out for me. He tells me this so much that I start believing it, then I just don't care about anything anymore, and I just want to run away and not tell anyone where I am. Just completely go off the grid. But the cool thing about it is, I can go to God about all of this, and I can throw it on Him. I can tell Him exactly how I feel when I have no one else who will listen or give me the line, "I'm praying for you."  Nothing wrong with that, and I'm glad people are praying for me,  but sometimes, you just need more than those words. You know what I mean? You need someone to actually be there, to hug you. Only single/lonely people understand that.   So this brings me to IGBOK.  As I was walking through a neighborhood today, I passed a truck parked on the side of the road. I could see a bumper sticker on it that said, "IGBOK". I thought, what in the world?  As I got closer, I could see words underneath it that said, "It's Gonna Be OK."  It was close to the end of my walk, and I'd been griping to God the entire walk, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw that bumper sticker. Because I don't think it was coincidence that I just "so happened" to see that bumper sticker at that time.  I think that was one of those God moments. I know some people are probably thinking I'm nuts for thinking that, but I really believe God puts things in our paths like this just when we need it.  I don't think they just happen.  And I know that's God's way of saying, "Will you trust me? It's gonna be ok."  I don't understand life. I don't understand why some things seem to work for some people and not for others of us.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do sometimes. I don't have it all figured out. And you know what?? It's gonna be ok that I don't have all the answers.  All I have to do is TRUST. Trust The One who holds this entire crazy, nutty world in His Hands. Trust The One who keeps it turning day after day. Trust The One who holds my future, who holds YOUR future.  Why is it so hard to remember this?  So today, if you're having a tough day like me, I hope God puts something in your path that tells you, "IGBOK" because, yeah...it's gonna be ok.