7 Years!

                        My dad has black hair!! ;-) This picture is from sometime in the 80's.

The year was 2005...7 years ago. I can't believe how fast time flies, 7 years ago I was a mere 31 years old, about to be 32 in a month. Thought I was SO ancient then, now I'm staring down the barrel at 40 and 32 seems like a kid. Where does the time go? How does it move so fast when I seem to not be moving at all? The future seems so far ahead, yet when I look behind me, I see how my past is quickly fading in the distance. And what seems like my future now, tomorrow will be in my past. May 9, 2005 was a very bleak day for me. One that still plays in my mind like yesterday, and one I wish I could forget. Actually the whole year of 2005 is pretty much not a good memory for me. I lost my grandfather on Jan. 26, 2005, my roommate of 7 years had found her "true love", and I was no longer the "best friend" that she wanted to do things with, I fell so far from God this year, nothing made sense. Even though I had it all together on the outside, on the inside I was writhing in pain. But no one knew. Relationships were torn apart, I could not see God...and I did not care. I had grown tired of caring about anything. I was hurting deep inside, but no one knew because Julie always has it together. I grew tired of my work place, I had major burn out, and I didn't care about anything there. Things were getting so bad there I was almost fired...again, I did not care. I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone here. As if things could get any worse, Monday morning, May 9, 2005 proved it could get much worse. I recall being called into the conference room (or Principal's Office as I like to refer to it) by my boss shortly after I got to work. I had come in Monday morning to find that my desk/work area had been completely moved around to where my boss could "monitor" all I was doing on our work computer. Now, don't get me wrong, I was not looking at porn or anything like that, so get your head out of the gutter. :-) But I was doing lots of personal email on company time, as well as texting...LOTS of texting. I had some lovely coworkers who loved spying on me and "telling on me" even though they sat on personal phone calls all day. That was ok, but Julie was always in the dog house for personal emails. Therefore...this was the reason my whole work area was moved around. The smallest thing would set me off back then because I did not have God in my life like He should have been. Well, I flew off the handle. How I kept my job, to this day, I'll never know. So my boss calls me in the conference room and basically let's me have it. I'm rolling my eyes at her, and really just wishing she would fire me so I could pack up my car, move back to Illinois, and I could be free of this horrid city life. Everything was just going wrong, and I could not for the life of me figure out why nothing was making sense. It was not making sense because God was nowhere to be found. My relationship with Him...well, it was just pretty much non-existent. Oh, I was still going to church on Sunday and "playing the game", but my heart wasn't there. I was a million miles away. I think the only reason I kept going at that time was because my roommate had no clue what was going on with me, and I didn't want her asking questions. It was easier to avoid the questions. So, as I come out of the conference room almost in tears from talking to my boss who told me I needed to get it together, or find the door, I get back to my desk and my cell phone starts ringing. My mom is on the other end breaking the news to me that my grandmother had just passed away. Really?? Could this day get ANY worse? Again, I was questioning everything, not understanding anything that was going on. Why was my world falling apart around me? I absolutely lost it in the middle of work when I got that call because my grandmother and I were extremely close, and here I was in Tennessee not even there to tell her goodbye. My grandma and I share the same birthday, it was always so special for us, and I knew from that day forward, my birthday would never be the same...and it hasn't been because we always celebrated together. I went home every year for our special day, but in 2005, there was no need to go home because she was gone. I remember heading up to my boss' supervisor's office as she was filling him in on all about me, and I just burst into the middle of their converstation. I did not care what they were talking about, I did not care if they fired me right there, that job was the last thing on my mind at that moment. I was in tears and told my boss I was leaving for Illinois because my grandmother just passed. Deep inside, I was hoping my boss felt about two inches tall for going off on me just minutes prior to me getting this news. And honestly? I didn't know if I would even have a job when I got back for the way I acted. But...I did. I believe it was only by the grace of God now that I look back. The only blessing that came out of the year 2005 for me was my youngest niece, Lauren, was born in August of that year. Other than that, there are just not many good memories for me. So it's hard to believe it's been 7 years that all of this has happened, and I still miss my grandmother daily, but I can still hear her voice in my head telling me she loves me. I still see her and my grandpa waving goodbye to me on their front porch when I drive past their house when I go back home. Looking back over the past 7 years, I've learned and grown so much. I've learned that you don't have all the answers at 32 years of age, and my life has changed drastically in a GOOD way. My relationship with the Lord is stronger now than it ever has been, I hit rock bottom in 2005, and it's only by the grace of God that he pulled me out of the non-caring life that I was living. I believe He allowed me to fall in such a dark pit so I would finally "get" some things, that I would finally SEE Him, to find that nothing makes sense in life when He is not first. I don't know how people live life without God in it because nothing...absolutely nothing makes sense. I know it makes no sense because I've been there, and I never want to go back to that. Am I sorry for all that happened to me in 2005? Absolutely not! In fact, I am THANKFUL it happened because if not? There is no telling what road I would be on right now. I know it wouldn't be a good one. Praise God for sparing my soul and giving me another chance. Oh why He loves you and me is a thought that I can't comprehend when we smack Him in the face time after time. But I'm so thankful He's a God of endless chances to get right with Him! So to my grandma, I miss you so much, and yes...even 7 years later celebrating our birthday next month is still not the same to me. Birthdays are just another day now, but I know as much as I miss you here, I would not ask you to come back from the great reward that you're enjoying now! Thank you G'ma for all the love you gave me through the years, and I'm thankful I got to share 31 birthdays with you because that is far more than some get to have with their grandparents. Just save me a place up there because I'm gonna be ready to celebrate much greater things than birthdays with you one sweet day!! 2005 is definitely not a good memory for me in so many ways, but I praise God that's it's my past that God has forgotten...and so have I! God Bless!